WASHINGTON, D.C—The White House grounds have entered a lockdown following the sighting of a senile old man wandering around waving a gun and making outlandish demands.
“Look folks, no more automatic weapons! You hear me, I’m serious! And no more gramblegrawp!” said the old, confused man while pointing his gun at everyone. “I traveled 1700 miles, million miles, so c’mon and listen up! Ghost guns are banned. No Congress needed.”
Witnesses claim that while the man appeared to be well-dressed, he had no clue who or where he was. “He kept asking ‘where’s First Lady Kamala’ and asking why’s nobody taking him seriously,” said Peter Flanagan, a White House correspondent. “He made bizarre claims that he was the President of The United States, 81 million people voted for him, and his butt’s been wiped.”
The White House was forced to release a statement instructing individuals not to approach the out-of-touch and armed individual. They also recommended just letting the man continue to make his speech as if he were actually addressing the nation and his words actually had legal authority.
At publishing time, a tactical team was forced to intervene after he made statements calling for “tobacco farmers to be immune for being sued for prostitutes.” The confused old man was reported to be safely apprehended and enjoying an ice cream cone on the way back to his nursing home.
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