“I love elderly people” 😂

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

maddmedic.wordpress.com

One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,” Good morning, Ma’am, what are you doing”?

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious”?)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to write you up a ticket.”

“For reading a book”? she replies.

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her again.

“But officer, I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to write you up a ticket and you’ll have to pay a fine.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he immediately departed.

https://maddmedic.wordpress.com/2023/05/22/moral-never-argue-with-a-woman-who-reads-its-likely-she-can-also-think/

‘Sticky’ Sam Brinton arrested again

“Driver tried to switch places with his dog on DUI stop in Colorado”

“Miller Lite Woke Spokeswoman EXPOSED | Topless Ads For Democrat Party | ‘Eat Their A**!'”

CNN Host Sues Trump For Assault And Defamation After Town Hall

babylonbee.com

GOFFSTOWN, NH — A visibly shaken Kaitlan Collins announced she will be suing Trump for assault and defamation after being destroyed by the former President on national television last night.

“He said things I didn’t agree with. Even worse, he said things I didn’t like,” said Collins in a statement. “It was the most traumatizing experience of my life. It was assault, plain and simple. And defamation. I’m suing Trump for $5 million like that other lady.”

Sources also reported Trump called the CNN host a “nasty person,” which trusted fact-checkers have determined was false.

Media experts applauded the announcement and were all in agreement that Trump’s performance in the town hall was the most horrifying spectacle ever televised. “I am literally shaking right now,” said CNN Host Jake Tapper. “The lies, the misinformation, the pure evil of that monstrous orange man is too much for my soul to bear. Our democracy is in danger once again. God help us all.”

Biden also responded to the town hall, saying: “Reflustrazuuure! Shut up, fat!”

Within minutes of the announcement of the lawsuit, a New York judge ruled in favor of the plaintiff and ordered Trump to pay $5 million.

https://babylonbee.com/news/cnns-kaitlynn-collins-sues-trump-for-abuse-and-defamation-after-town-hall-interview

Nobody can be this stupid… Right!?

Guy Weaving Through Traffic Awarded 1st Place Trophy For Getting To Off-Ramp 15 Seconds Ahead Of You

babylonbee.com

ONTARIO, CA — History was made today as the guy weaving in and out of traffic ahead of you on the freeway was awarded an impressive 1st place trophy after he arrived at the offramp a full 15 seconds before all the other cars he impatiently swerved around.

“I feel really proud of this momentous achievement,” said Brent Larson after pulling up to the stop light a few seconds ahead of the other cars. “Those other losers were just going too slow. I’ve gotta get off the freeway, man! Now look at me — I’m sitting here at the red light at the bottom of the ramp, and all those cars I passed are stuck staring at my tail lights. Suckers!”

Larson credited his overly aggressive driving and wanton disregard for roadway safety for his astounding ability to arrive at the light one-quarter of a minute ahead of other motorists. Drivers of the vehicles Larson passed seemed oblivious to his accomplishment. “Yeah, he doesn’t seem very patient,” said Ken Rawlings, who drove at a respectable speed and arrived at the same place only a few seconds later. “But, hey, if it makes him feel like he did something impressive…yay for him, I guess.”

Larson was undeterred by the lack of enthusiasm from his fellow drivers. “They’re just jealous, man,” he said. “They wish they were the ones who got here at the same offramp stop light at virtually the same time after those sweet driving moves I put on display. Ha ha! Whatever, losers!”

At publishing time, Larson reportedly arrived at 7-Eleven with plenty of time to spare so he could get his Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and Monster energy drink.

https://babylonbee.com/news/guy-weaving-through-traffic-awarded-1st-place-trophy-after-getting-to-offramp-15-seconds-ahead-of-you

Nation Surprised To Find Out Late-Night TV Actually Had Writers

babylonbee.com

U.S. — Americans are in shock after late-night talk shows were forced to shut down amid a writer’s strike, revealing the fact that late-night shows actually had writers.

“Wait, wait, wait… someone’s actually writing this stuff? Like, on purpose?” said one local man upon hearing the news. “I always assumed these monologues and bits were being written by a pack of brain-damaged weasels, or a herd of angry liberal geese, or maybe Jen Psaki. What a surprise!”

Sources say The Tonight Show, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, The Late Show, and The Late Late Show will all take a hiatus until the industry comes to an agreement with the Writers Guild of America. Until then, late-night writers will be forced to pour all their political hatred and malice into tweets, blog posts, and calls to their Trump-supporting parents in exchange for no money.

“I hope they come back soon,” said universally beloved entertainer and comedian Jimmy Kimmel. “I need them to help me find new and creative ways to say things like: ‘I hate Ron DeSantis and I hope he dies.’ The show can’t go on without them!”

At publishing time, the shows had been put back on the air after hosts realized they could easily just open their show by reading from Karine Jean-Pierre’s press conference notebook.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-surprised-to-find-out-late-night-tv-actually-had-writers

BLM Leaders Call For Renewed Protests This Summer After Finding A Fantastic Beach House For Sale On Zillow

babylonbee.com

BERKELEY, CA – BLM leaders are calling for more nationwide protests this summer after discovering a fantastic home on Malibu Beach that they should easily afford if they begin riling people up now.

Co-founder Patrisse Cullors appeared as a guest on CNN’s Don Lemon Tonight to get the word out about a need to protest something.

“BIPOCS are constantly marginalized and stuff like that,” Cullors told a vigorously nodding Don Lemon. “For example, I bought a six million dollar home with BLM donations and was heavily criticized for it. I had to resign as executive director of BLM. That’s racism at work! We need to hit the streets now!”

“You’re absolutely right,” said Lemon. “We need to call for justice and things like that. JUSTICE for Patrisse Cullors!”

“That and George Floyd. We can get more mileage out of him. Then I can finally get that Malibu beach house I’ve always wanted,” replied Cullors while sipping champagne. “And if anyone criticizes it we’ll just say we bought it as a ‘BIPOC Creative Community Space’ or something like that! Hahahahaha!” 

Prominent black female Ketanji Brown Jackson was asked her opinion on why people incite peaceful protests to help greedy people make money off of worldwide outrage.

“I don’t know, I’m not an anthropologist,” she said.

https://babylonbee.com/news/blm-leaders-call-for-renewed-protests-this-summer-after-finding-a-fantastic-beach-house-for-sale-on-zillow

“Principal gets startled after finding bear in school dumpster”

That went well… 🥴

Man Avoids IRS Audit By Labeling All His Venmo Transactions ‘Payments To Ukraine’

babylonbee.com

HUTCHINSON, KS — A local man has developed an ingenious method to avoid messy audits from the Internal Revenue Service by simply labeling all of his Venmo transactions as “payment to Ukraine.”

“It’s the perfect way to save me a bunch of headaches,” said Ryan Felix. “I buy a lot of stuff that might raise some red flags from the feds — guns, ammo, large stockpiles of ivermectin — so I really needed a way to avoid getting totally screwed over by the IRS. Then it occurred to me — Ukraine! The government is all about sending every penny it can to Ukraine, so if I tell them everything I’m paying for is going to Ukraine, I’ll never have to hear about it!”

Over the last year, the United States has made a habit of sending enormous funding packages to Ukraine, ostensibly to pay for the Eastern European nation’s ongoing war with Russia, with little to no oversight taking place on the money being sent. When reached for comment, a representative for the Internal Revenue Service confirmed that no attention will be paid to any civilian transactions if they are clearly earmarked for Ukraine. “Yeah, we’ll never even glance at it,” said IRS auditor Steve Reeves. “You can buy a duffle bag full of fentanyl from a Mexican cartel, and if you label it in Venmo as ‘payment to Ukraine,’ we’ll totally let it go.”

At publishing time, Felix was hoping to make the most of his newfound Venmo loophole. “I’m working on figuring out a way to become an illegal arms dealer,” he said. “Everyone else is making a fortune moving weapons while using Ukraine as cover, why not me?”

https://babylonbee.com/news/man-avoids-irs-audit-by-labeling-all-his-venmo-transactions-payments-to-ukraine

Adding a little fun with Tom and Jerry cartoons

Enjoying a rainy weekend

It can wait!

Scientists Who Didn’t Predict A Single Thing Accurately For Last 12 Months Confident They Know What The Weather Is Going To Be Like In 100 Years

babylonbee.com

WORLD – Authorities in the scientific community who touted faulty COVID-19 models are “pretty confident” they know what the weather is going to be like in 100 years, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“Yes, we were off by a factor of about 1 billion in our predictions for what happened over the last few months, but trust us: we know exactly what the climate is going to be like in a century,” said leading scientific authority Dr. Garth Wendybrook at a press conference. “See, I have this lab coat and this Bunsen burner here.” At this point, he gestured toward a Bunsen burner sitting on the table in front of him, but he accidentally caught his sleeve on fire. “Fire hot! Fire hot!” the scientist cried before diving in a nearby vat of acid to put it out.

Post-press-conference analysis indicated his observations were correct, and the fire was hot.

The scientists say they have settled on a climate model that confirms the earth’s average temperature will be either 1 million degrees Celsius or below freezing, give or take 1 million degrees.

https://babylonbee.com/news/scientists-who-whiffed-on-every-covid-19-prediction-confident-they-know-what-the-weather-is-going-to-be-like-in-100-years

Buttigieg Announces Closure Of Interstate System For 8-10 Days As Highways Undergo Racial Sensitivity Training

babylonbee.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move sure to reduce road accidents among black and brown communities, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has announced the immediate closure of the Interstate System for 8-10 days so highways can undergo racial sensitivity training.

“We’ve got a crisis here in America where highways, bridges, even parking lots are allowed to racistly hurt drivers of color,” said Buttigieg during an interview with Al Sharpton, who is still alive, on MSNBC, which is still alive. “As a gay man, I feel it is my duty to get to the bottom of this issue: racist roads.”

Buttigieg explained that any highway refusing the training would be banned from use and possibly relegated to the asphalt mines.

Training modules will include:

  • Why Black Asphalt Perpetuates Negative Racial Stereotypes
  • Bridges And Tribal Citizens: An Essay Seen Through Interpretive Dance
  • The Empowering Power Of Blackness In Asphalt
  • Why Minority Deaths Will Always Be Your Fault, And How To Prevent Them
  • Fender Benders And Their Origins In A Secret Meeting Between Hitler And The KKK
  • Choo-Choo Trains Are Not Racist And Are Fun

At publishing time, Secretary Buttigieg had required all airplanes to declare a land use acknowledgment to indigenous airplane ancestors before being allowed to land.


https://babylonbee.com/news/buttigieg-announces-closure-of-interstate-system-for-8-10-days-as-highways-undergo-racial-sensitivity-training/

Dogs and Kids Think Alike

Kathy Griffin Says She Has ‘Complex PTSD,’ Suffers 8-Hour Panic Attacks

www.breitbart.com

Paul Bois

Left-wing comedienne Kathy Griffin said she has an extreme case of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that arose shortly after her cancelation resulting from her photograph of holding a bloodied Trump severed head.

Griffin revealed her struggle with mental health in an Instagram video in which she used a blurred filter that she said reflected how she feels internally.

“I put this effect on because it kind of shows how I’m feeling,” she said in the post.

Griffin said she did not know if Instagram would be the appropriate place to bare her thoughts on the matter and decided to share for the good of others.

“I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and for the last year and a half I have been plagued with terrifying panic attacks,” she said. “Sometimes they last a few hours or more typically, they last at least a full day if not multiple days in a row. I feel silly even telling you this, because I always thought PTSD was just for veterans and stuff. During my attacks, I typically vomit quite a bit and often have to go to the ER just to get IV fluids. Anybody else?”

In a TikTok video posted last Friday, Griffin said she recently had an eight-hour panic attack.

“I had a freaking eight-hour attack yesterday. Eight hours of freaking writhing in pain in the bed,” Griffin said. “I felt like one might be coming on, so I started to feel a little iffy. So I’m on my walk now … which is helpful.”

Sometimes her panic attacks have tremendous effects on her physically.

“It hits me in my chest first, like my chest starts to tingle. Then it goes right to my stomach,” she said in another TikTok video

Kathy Griffin told ABC News’ Nightline in 2021 that she struggled with drug addiction and contemplated suicide following the intense backlash from her 2017 photo that featured her holding a severed head of then-President Trump.

The image, from photographer Tyler Shields, ignited a firestorm of controversy when it was first published online by TMZ in May. (Tyler Shields/TMZ)

“To be told by people in my own industry, ‘It’s over. Leave the country for five years. You’ve shamed our industry,’ on and on and on. It definitely got to me,” she said in the interview. “And so, I got to the point where I kind of agreed. Like, maybe it is time for me to go, and I’ve had a great life, and I don’t think there’s a next chapter for me.”

Last election cycle, Griffin stumped heavily for Democrats, even going as far to say that “civil war” would erupt if Republicans won the midterm elections.

“If you don’t want a Civil War, vote for Democrats in November. If you do want Civil War, vote Republican,” she tweeted in September.

In a later tweet, Griffin responded to Breitbart News reporter Kristina Wong and denied that she was threatening violence.

“You guys. The maga blue checks are at it again. Because they are constantly threatening Civil War, they are now trying to suggest that I am the one who is threatening a Civil War. Because you know, that’s my thing,” she added.

In 2020, Griffin also advocated for physical violence against Trump by suggesting that someone use a syringe on him “with the air inside” — a potentially lethal act.

“Syringe with nothing but air inside would do the trick. FUCK TRUMP,” she tweeted.

Paul Roland Bois joined Breitbart News in 2021. He also directed the award-winning feature film, EXEMPLUM, which can be viewed for FREE on Tubi or rented at VIMEO On Demand. Follow him on Twitter @prolandfilms or Instagram @prolandfilms as well as on Truth Social @paulboisbreitbart.

https://www.breitbart.com/entertainment/2023/04/18/kathy-griffin-reveals-she-has-complex-ptsd-talks-of-8-hour-panic-attacks/

Nolte: Patronizing Budweiser Ad Laughed off Internet After Dylan Mulvaney Debacle

www.breitbart.com

John Nolte

Anheuser-Busch put a transvestite on a can of Bud Light and released this terrible ad to try and clean up the mess.

The ad has to be seen to be believed:

Please choose one… Did the ad…

  1. Make you want to buy a Chevy?
  2. Encourage you to return to 2004 to liberate Iraq?
  3. Remind you of Bruce Springsteen’s drunk driving charge?

The ad reeks of 1) desperation and 2) an ad campaign where someone wrote the following phrases on a whiteboard—heart of America, hope in tomorrow, American spirit—and then smugly walked off in the certainty we RedStateTards would forget all about the transvestite who prances around like an astonished reindeer.

These scenes look like they were generated by AI prompts.

“Two firefighter bros, one black and one white, doing a shake-hands-hug.”

“Two trucker-looking bros sharing a Bud on a porch in the country.”

“A Keith Olbermann look-alike wearing a shoulder patch that says “LAND OF THE FREE” raising an American flag (but don’t show the full flag).”

The ad’s Twitter “ratio” is hilarious…

“Hey @Budweiser. What’s next on your agenda after mocking women? Are you going to ridicule disabled veterans? Demand to defund police? Maybe dabble in a little bit of antisemitism?” asked one.

“My favorite advertisement by a mile was the Clydesdales after 9/11. It was absolute perfection. After your embrace of the trans agenda, glorifying a man looking for his 15 mins of fame by mocking women. I will never buy, drink or serve your beer again. #BoycottAnheuserBusch,” said another.

People also got creative:

This one pretty much hit the nail on the head: “I’m not sure a lineup of B-roll footage and some guy throwing middle-America buzzwords at us will win us back, and frankly, bringing 9/11 into this is kind of insulting.”

As I said yesterday, I don’t care if a grown man wears a dress, and I don’t care if a private company uses said transvestite to advertise its product. I would never use a transvestite to advertise a product, but I also don’t do boycotts. Boycotts are fascist.

Nevertheless, this new Budweiser ad is beyond patronizing, exactly the type of thing you’d expect from a Manhattan or Los Angeles ad agency staffed with people who have never met a Trump voter and who view the working class as Nazis who must be tolerated. When I first saw it, 30 seconds passed before I realized it was not a spoof.

This ad, along with Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth’s word salad statement, is only adding to the brand damage. The brewery’s crisis management team should be fired. It’s just one fumble after another. On top of angering its customer base, the brewery now looks foolish. “Bud Light” will be a punchline for many years to come.

However….

Anheuser-Busch stock is still up six points for the month.

Follow John Nolte on Twitter @NolteNC. Follow his Facebook Page here.

https://www.breitbart.com/entertainment/2023/04/20/patronizing-budweiser-ad-laughed-internet-dylan-mulvaney-debacle/

I can’t brain today, I have the dumb — guys & ladders edition

Dog Tails

“Plus-size influencer” starts petition demanding airlines give fat flyers as many free extra seats as they need to “ensure their comfort”

notthebee.com

Morbidly obese “plus-size influencer” who goes by “JaeBae” has started a change.org petition demanding the FAA and airlines give fat flyers as many free extra seats as they need to accommodate their girth.

JaeBae, who looks to be about 4 bills, says the free seats are for “protection” and would fight “discrimination” against obese travelers.

All plus-size passengers should be provided with an extra free seat, or even two or three seats depending on their size, to accommodate their needs and ensure their comfort during the flight.

She is also calling for larger airplane bathrooms and “sensitivity training” for airline staff.

Slay kween

Despite the clear absurdity of the demand, at publishing time JaeBae’s petition had garnered nearly 5,000 signatures.

Crazy thought … if you’re so overweight that you can’t fit in an airplane seat, maybe you should consider … you know … trying to lose some weight?

Oh that’s right, nobody is personally responsible for anything they do anymore, forgot about that for a sec. 🤷‍♀️

https://notthebee.com/article/plus-size-influencer-starts-petition-demanding-airlines-give-fat-flyers-as-many-free-seats-as-they-need

GIVE ME THAT…

“Busted” Reporter confronts trans teacher who wears Z-cup prosthetic breasts

I need this guy as my workout partner he knows how to make exercising fun 😆

The King and the Joker of the Road

Update on the post I did on April 1st about Obama apparently was a April fools article… Sorry folks 🥴

Claim about Obama moving to Kenya stems from satirical article

apnews.com

By MELISSA GOLDIN

CLAIM: Former President Barack Obama is relocating to Kenya.

AP’S ASSESSMENT: False. The claim originated from an April Fools’ Day article that was originally published by The Standard, a major newspaper in Kenya. Obama has made no such announcement.

THE FACTS: Rumors that Obama is moving to the east African country began spreading on social media after users shared the satirical April 1 article as real. Posts making this claim had collectively received tens of thousands of likes and shares as of Thursday.

One Instagram post included a screenshot of the headline on a similar satirical post, but not the final line of the article reading “Happy April Fools’ Day!”

On Twitter, others shared only the claim, without linking to the satirical posts. Several of the posts referenced the false “birther” claim that Obama was born in Kenya and not the U.S., alleging the supposed news was proof that it was true.

Some went a step further to claim that Obama’s supposed move to Kenya was spurred by the trial of Prakazrel “Pras” Michel — a founding member of 1990s hip-hop group The Fugees — who is accused of funneling money from a fugitive Malaysian financer through straw donors to Obama’s 2012 reelection campaign. Movie star Leonardo DiCaprio testified as part of the trial on Monday.

But the claim that Obama is moving to Kenya is baseless. It originated from a satirical article originally published by The Standard on April Fools’ Day this year. The article alleges that Obama is “resettling in Kenya for at least a year as Special Envoy for US Diplomacy,” but then ends by saying: “Disclaimer: This was an April Fools Day Story.”

Neither Obama, the Biden administration nor Congress has made any announcement to this effect.

___

This is part of AP’s effort to address widely shared misinformation, including work with outside companies and organizations to add factual context to misleading content that is circulating online. Learn more about fact-checking at AP.

https://apnews.com/article/fact-check-obama-moving-kenya-satire-645493670318

Kids do the dumbest things