This list was first posted on December 26th, 2016. I think it is still good advice.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do on The Day After Christmas
10 On the day after Christmas, do not venture out to return gifts. If you do, at best, due to the lines, you will get to return three in eight hours. At worse, you will encounter conditions much like warfare and require treatment for PGRTS. (Post Gift Return Traumatic Syndrome is nothing to take lightly, Buford.)
9 On the day after Christmas, do not watch a bowl game. If you do, at best, it won’t keep you awake. At worst, the two teams will be so bad you will totally regret the time spent watching. (You never realized a schedule made up entirely six loss teams could be so dull, did you, Bunky. Bunky?…
It snowed last night. 8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. By noon it all melted away. Moral of this story is: there is no moral to this story. It is what we have become. All because of a Bunch of “flakes”. Happy Holidays!!
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Federal Bureau of Investigations has announced that it has uncovered a group planning to hatch terror plots all across the country. In a shocking twist, the organization is headquartered right in Washington, D.C., at the J. Edgar Hoover FBI building.
The group was uncovered after FBI agents began tracing most of the terror plots in this country back to one giant organization. “This is bigger than any of us realize,” said the founder of the FBI, Bob FBI. “It’s all connected. Pretty much every terror plot of the last few decades was being encouraged in secret by this one giant, shadowy organization. But rest assured, we’re going to make sure these guys pay for what they’ve done to our country. No one hatches terror plots under our watch.”
“They were right under our noses this whole time,” said one FBI agent as he prepared to raid the FBI building, where hundreds of FBI agents were working on terror plots to be enacted all across the country and around the world. “We’re gonna take these guys down.”
The agent then rushed the building. “Freeze!” he shouted. “Oh, hey Steve!” he added, greeting the receptionist. “We still on for golf tomorrow?”
At publishing time, the FBI had hatched a plot to help FBI agents help other FBI agents hatch terror plots so they could catch them in the act.
RAT LAND – A rat colony underneath Washington, D.C. recently became aware of a surface world with blue skies, warm sunlight, and abundant garbage. The colony, ruled by a council of noble volunteers, was planning a great move to the “land of plenty” until it was discovered to be infested with hundreds of politicians.
“Ewww! No wonder our ancestors made their home in the bowels of the earth,” said Whisker Nosewrangle in ancient Sumerian, the language all rats speak. “Disgusting!”
“Rats, it is hereby forbidden to breach the surface,” said a representative of the rat council. “The way is shut! We cannot allow the infestation to corrupt our minarchist utopia.”
Surface rats who previously had no knowledge of the subterranean rat colony promptly abandoned their homes in favor of a more just and dignified society.
“Politicians are filthy and yet humans flock after them,” explained Trevor Vermin, a bewildered rodent refugee from the surface. “I’m so glad to be here with my own kind and away from dirty politicians!”
The rat council ordered passage to the surface barricaded and advised their society to mask up and wash thoroughly to help slow the spread of politics.
Unfortunately, before the land could be sealed away, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi began planting ideas in the ears of some of the younger rats who promptly overthrew their minimalist government and elevated Rat King Plague-Hammer to the throne.
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ANCHORAGE, ALASKA — Christmas has been canceled after Sam Brinton stole Santa Claus’ sack. Brinton, Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Office of Spent Fuel, was seen on security footage taking the sack from Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport on Saturday afternoon.
“We are sorry to announce that Christmas has been canceled,” said a spokesman for the Office of Santa Claus. “A magical bottomless sack of that sort is one of a kind, and we cannot get another on such short notice. What kind of sicko would steal Santa’s sack?!”
Authorities say Brinton is still at large and the location of the sack remains unknown.
Several parents criticized Brinton, the energy official suspected in other thefts of suitcases and bags across the country. “He’s stolen suitcases, and now he’s stolen Christmas,” said Peter Sarver, a father of two. “Looking into the eyes of my little ones and telling them there’s no Christmas this year will be brutal.”
Others were hesitant to judge Brinton. “Brinton is non-binary, so I’m sure he had a good reason,” said trans activist Camilla Partridge. “It’s literally impossible for non-binary people to do bad things, and we endanger thousands of vulnerable non-binary children by accusing Sam of wrongdoing.”
Biden has announced an effort under the Defense Production Act to source another sack in time for Christmas, but experts predict the effort will fail. “There just isn’t enough time,” said Lockheed Martin CEO Jim Taiclet.
At publishing time, several witnesses reported seeing Brinton in the Alaskan wilderness trying on several new Christmas gifts.
Funeral service is expectedly sad and a gloomy affair, but this grandmother had the most unique way of lightening the mood.
While gag gifts are quite common for birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions, Jo Marie Perryman, who passed away on October 12 at age 81 in Breckenridge, Texas, left everyone in stitches after revealing her final gift to the family at her funeral service.
Her granddaughter Gracie Perryman posted the hysterical gift on Twitter and immediately spread laughter over the internet.YouTube
Jo Marie had arranged for people at her funeral to be given an unusual gift – a Ouija board! – complete with a humorous comment.
Gracie’s post shows a photo of the small Ouija board stuck on one side of a card. The other side has her grandmother’s hilarious message: “Let’s keep in touch!”
It was a cheeky way for her to remind attendees at her funeral that she really wasn’t all that far away. The gift included a picture of Jo Marie sticking her tongue out and giving the finger.
Gracie wrote alongside the photo, “Received this at my grandma’s funeral. What an icon.”YouTube
In August, Jo Marie informed her network on Facebook that “everyone will be gifted their very own Ouija board” at her funeral.
Despite the announcement, Grace was surprised when her grandmother fulfilled her promise. She recalled thinking, “What on Earth is this?” while opening the gift at the funeral. Suddenly there was laughter in the room as 30 to 40 people opened their gifts as well.
A Ouija board, which is also known as a spirit board or talking board, is a flat board that has the letters of the alphabet, the numbers 0–9, the words “yes” or “no”, and other symbols and graphics.
People can supposedly communicate with the dead during a séance with a Ouija board, by moving a planchette to spell out messages.Gracie Perryman | Twitter
This was certainly an unexpected but truly comical gift to receive a funeral. Jo Marie’s own obituary was a testament to her joking nature.
It stated, “She had a quick wit and a clever sense of humor, which kept everyone who knew her on their toes. lt was rare to win a battle of wits with her.”
Jo Marie loved spending time with her family, and was known for being compassionate and understanding. She enjoyed crafting, sewing, and reading Stephen King and Dean Koontz novels.
She was famed for her chicken enchiladas, burritos, fried chicken, and Christmas candies. She also loved playing video games and could even win against her children.
Posted on Twitter October 19, the photo has now generated over 722,000 likes and triggered multiple reactions.
One wrote, “This is amazing… I am going to do this when I die in honor of your badass grandma! May she rest in peace!”
Another user remarked, “I am so sorry for your loss. However, this is the stuff of LEGENDS! And now, you have it to look at whenever you feel down.”
Another added, “I’m so sorry for your loss. My first reaction is that your grandma had a wonderful sense of humor, and her wanting to bring some light to the heaviness of grief is so sweet.”
Some even shared their own experience after losing someone they loved, “The last time I got to talk to my best friend, before ovarian cancer took her, I asked her to send me a postcard from her next adventure. I get little signs every once and awhile. It’s a nice thing so this just make the messaging easier.”
Someone even shared a photo of what was given to them during a departed loved one’s service.Twitter
The beloved grandmother is survived by three children, seven grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren, and other family members who loved her dearly and miss her already.
Another legendary grandmother ensured that her funeral would be a time of celebration by setting the ground rules in a TikTok video.
In the video, Lillian Droniak, 92, instructed her family to not cry too much and embarrass themselves. Better yet, she asked everyone to take shots and even get drunk at her funeral!
Lillian kept her humor to the end, saying, “I joke about death because it will happen to all of us, as scary as that is,” and we “might as well laugh about it.”
These grandmothers are unbelievably funny and literally had the last laugh! Their last messages and instructions show that we shouldn’t let death seize our sense of humor.
They show how much they love their family, and how important is if for them to make their funerals and final moments a time for family and friends to bond and share their love for one another.
It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”
The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got…
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