Sunday funnies

bluebird of bitterness

An oldie but goodie.

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After Fr. Gregory’s beloved old tabby died, he adopted a kitten from the animal shelter and named her Frances. While chasing a squirrel one day, Frances ran up a tree, and then refused to come back down.

The tree wasn’t sturdy enough for a grown man to climb, and Fr. Greg didn’t have a ladder. After thinking it over, he had an idea. He took a piece of clothesline and tied one end to the tree and the other end to his car, thinking he would drive just far enough to bend the tree down to where he could reach Frances from the ground.

But just about the time the tree was bent far enough, the clothesline snapped, the tree sprang back, and Frances sailed up into the air and out of sight.

Fr. Greg searched everywhere for his kitten, without success. Finally he…

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“Some of The Best of “All Over the Map” | JEFF DUNHAM” LIVE 6pm EST

Senior moments

“Chris Wallace Interviews Psaki who is STILL OUT OF REALITY🥴🙄😳🤪”

“Is THIS Jen Psaki’s Replacement? | Monologue | Huckabee”

Senile Old Man Spotted With A Gun Spouting Wild Demands On White House Grounds

babylonbee.com

WASHINGTON, D.C—The White House grounds have entered a lockdown following the sighting of a senile old man wandering around waving a gun and making outlandish demands. 

“Look folks, no more automatic weapons! You hear me, I’m serious! And no more gramblegrawp!” said the old, confused man while pointing his gun at everyone. “I traveled 1700 miles, million miles, so c’mon and listen up! Ghost guns are banned. No Congress needed.”

Witnesses claim that while the man appeared to be well-dressed, he had no clue who or where he was. “He kept asking ‘where’s First Lady Kamala’ and asking why’s nobody taking him seriously,” said Peter Flanagan, a White House correspondent. “He made bizarre claims that he was the President of The United States, 81 million people voted for him, and his butt’s been wiped.”

The White House was forced to release a statement instructing individuals not to approach the out-of-touch and armed individual. They also recommended just letting the man continue to make his speech as if he were actually addressing the nation and his words actually had legal authority. 

At publishing time, a tactical team was forced to intervene after he made statements calling for “tobacco farmers to be immune for being sued for prostitutes.”  The confused old man was reported to be safely apprehended and enjoying an ice cream cone on the way back to his nursing home. 


Having difficulty staying afloat in today’s rapidly changing economic landscape? Duke Geralt LéMaster provides some insightful tips to help you cope in these trying times.

https://babylonbee.com/news/senile-old-man-spotted-with-a-gun-spouting-wild-demands-on-white-house-grounds

Pigeon Poops On Biden After Mistaking Him For An Old Statue

babylonbee.com

MENLO, IA—A local pigeon made a terrible mistake by pooping on the President of the United States today, after mistaking him for an old statue.

“I’m sorry, I meant no disrespect,” said Mr. Flappy, the pigeon responsible for the error. “I was just in the air doing my pigeon thing when I saw this old, rickety, ancient-looking statue just standing there, with a blank, statue-like expression on his face. It looked like a perfect target!” 

Several witnesses in the crowd reportedly stifled laughter as the pigeon flew overhead and dropped a massive load of nasty white bird droppings on the President’s shoulder. 

Biden didn’t notice the bird poop until a few minutes later when he looked over to the teleprompter to receive his next line and noticed the white substance on his suit jacket. “Ooohhh! Chocolate chocolate chip ice cream! My favorite!” he said excitedly before Dr. Jill Biden rushed him off the stage. 

At time of publishing, the Biden Administration conducted a retaliatory drone strike on Mr. Flappy’s nest. 

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


Having difficulty staying afloat in today’s rapidly changing economic landscape? Duke Geralt LéMaster provides some insightful tips to help you cope in these trying times.

https://babylonbee.com/news/pigeon-poops-on-biden-after-mistaking-him-for-an-old-statue

Zookeepers Scramble To Vaccinate All Lizards After Hearing Pelosi Got COVID

babylonbee.com

TUCSON, AZ—Zookeepers across the nation are reportedly scrambling to vaccinate all reptiles in captivity following the announcement that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has tested positive for COVID-19.

“COVID has officially jumped species,” warned a representative from the American Organization of Zookeepers. “We’ve seen it jump to apes and household pets but now that reptiles are affected we have to work quickly.”

This is not the first time a politician has been infected with the Coronavirus, but Pelosi is in a unique position as a confirmed reptilian overlord. The secret race of humanoids that disguise themselves to live among us and control our lives was previously thought to be invulnerable, but conspiracy theorists speculate Pelosi’s addiction to alcohol and ice cream contributed to the infection.

“Reptilian humanoids are ancient creatures from an unnamed space quadrant the government doesn’t want you to know about,” said George Noory, host of the radio program Coast to Coast AM. “COVID might turn out to be a great thing if it wipes them off the face of the flat earth and allows us to see beyond the veil to all the UFOs and ghosts the government is hiding.”

According to sources, zookeepers are separating reptilian species from each other and applying tiny little masks to their faces until they can receive a second dose of the vaccine. The Pfizer vaccine is not currently approved for reptiles (or any animals,) but given the support for human inoculation regardless of scientific data, zoologists figure injecting thousands of lizards won’t hurt.

At publishing time, veterinarian hospitals were overrun with mildly coughing lizards on ventilators.


Having difficulty staying afloat in today’s rapidly changing economic landscape? Duke Geralt LéMaster provides some insightful tips to help you cope in these trying times.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

https://babylonbee.com/news/zookeepers-scramble-to-vaccinate-all-lizards-after-hearing-pelosi-got-covid

“Saudis release skit lampooning President Joe Biden”

“WHEN THE PAN1C STARTS SETTING IN”

His Struggle Against Reality

Yep… That’s Our President

“Psaki is LEAVING! 👏

I can’t brain today, I have the dumb

“Scary Nancy 🤪🙈 #nancypelosi #ukraine #ukrainewar #ukraina #slavaukraine”

Australia thinks Joe Biden is a joke “White House corrects ‘scary’ Joe Biden gaffe suggesting US troops joining war in Ukraine”

Why some men are bald

“After Hillary Revealed She Got The Virus, She Gets SLAPPED By Karma”

“‘The Five’ roast Kamala for rambling speeches”

Impersonating Kamala’s rambling speech is better than the original and she should be embarrassed how the world really sees her.

“PELOSI on P-p-P-p-PUTIN😜 Part 2

“PELOSI on ZALENSKY & P-P-P-PUTIN😝 #pelosi #putin #Zalensky #ukraine #conservative”

“THE PRICE I PAY to IMPERSONATE PELOSI 🤣 #nancypelosi #Pelosi #pelosiimpersonation #impersonations”

Amish Man Smiles Smugly As He Rides By Gas Station With $6 Prices

babylonbee.com

SMICKSBURG, PA—Local Amish patriarch Ezekiel Yoder was seen smiling smugly as he rode his market wagon by an outsider’s gas station where the cost per gallon broke six dollars a gallon.

He calmed his horse and observed the chaos at the pump. People were ripping each other apart to throw away their money on high-priced fuel. Thank Gotte he was not like them!

Yoder cried out to those embroiled in the chaos. “Blowing at the smoke doesn’t help if the chimney is plugged!” he said, snorting divinely.

“Ah, it’s gut to be blessed, Baalam,” he said to his horse.

Witnesses at the gas station were deeply offended that a kind-hearted Amish man could be so passive-aggressive and consequently resolved to never become Amish. They were, however, unable to deny that their devotion to the almighty automobile had doomed their souls.

Esther Yoder greeted her husband later in the day. He regaled her with tales of the outsiders, but she disapproved and, sadly, would not churn any butter for his supper.

https://babylonbee.com/news/amish-man-smiles-smugly-as-he-rides-by-gas-station-with-6-prices

8 Fun Uses For Your Masks Now That Mandates Are Lifted

babylonbee.com

Brought to you by:


Masks were always useless against COVID-19, and now they’re doubly useless because the pandemic is over all of a sudden. But your masks need not be useless any longer!

Check out these eight fun uses for your masks:

1) Toilet Paper: Might as well stockpile now. It’s only a matter of time before the bombs start dropping and people run straight for the toilet paper.

2) Wardrobe For A Stage Production: You could make an awesome rocking technicolor dream coat out of random masks.

3) Impressing Girls By Pretending To Be A Doctor: Cosmopolitan says women are really into the Dr. Fauci look these days.

4) Train robbing: This is just to protect you from the hundreds of other train robbers. 

5) Gag gift for Secret Santa: Oh, aren’t you so silly!

6) Fill With Treats For Hands-Free Snacking: We know you were already doing this anyway.

7) Making Ron DeSantis mad: Walk right up to Ron DeSantis and wear a mask… right in his face! That will really tick him off! 

8) To Wear On The Log Flume Ride To Protect You From… THE DROPLETS!: The horror! The horror!


NOT SATIRE: Even as mask mandates are beginning to wane, airlines are still requiring that travelers mask up. If just thinking about masking up for a multi-hour travel experience has you reaching for the Xanax, relax, UnMask has you covered.

We created the made in the USA UnMask out of two layers of the most breathable, ultralight materials that exist. The result is a mask that people can wear and breathe in all day without headaches, claustrophobia, or constantly fighting off anxiety attacks.

Legions of people that wear an UnMask refuse to wear anything else. Try an UnMask and you’ll never wear anything else either. Each UnMask is proudly designed and made right here in the USA.

Try an UnMask and save 20% www.getunmask.com/pages/promo-bee – Use the code BEE20 at checkout.

https://babylonbee.com/news/8-fun-uses-for-your-masks-now-that-mandates-are-lifted

Now a word from Jen… 😂 🤥

“Joe Biden’s face pops up in broadcast about inappropriate touching”

Monday Funnies…

“Biden is Completely INCAPABLE”

Burglar and an Elderly Woman ….

Freedom Is Just Another Word...

From the Book Of Face …
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

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Some days it doesn’t pay to get out of bed… 😂