Monday Funnies…

Laughter helps a marriage last I think they have a good chance 😂

Tribute To The Goddess

The Butcher Shop

Submitted by Peter Ehlers

THIS IS A KEEPER!

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got…

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Right back at you…

“Achmed Has a Crush and almost died again”

Monday Funnies…

Monday Funnies…

I went to my nearby Pharmacy… – Freedom Is Just Another Word…

maddmedic.wordpress.com

I went straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along with my request.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked: “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled: “HELL NO!!!”

I said, “Oh, thank God! That’s a real relief!

My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!”

I’m not allowed to go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don’t care, because they aren’t very friendly there anymore!

https://maddmedic.wordpress.com/2022/07/30/i-went-to-my-nearby-pharmacy/

A man calls Pizza Hut to order a pizza… – Freedom Is Just Another Word…

maddmedic.wordpress.com

CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

GOOGLE: I’m sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…

https://maddmedic.wordpress.com/2022/07/28/a-man-calls-pizza-hut-to-order-a-pizza/

Thank God it’s Friday!

Mondays… 😅

“Biden REACTS to Google’s Sentient AI, Hunter’s Laptop, and China FIRESIDE SHATS Ep. 2 | JEFF DUNHAM”

Summer Fun

Have a relaxing weekend

“President Biden tackles Questions From Gas Prices to Chicken Sandwiches FIRESIDE SHATS”

The Atheist and The Cowboy …

maddmedic.wordpress.com

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane, and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

https://maddmedic.wordpress.com/2022/06/20/the-atheist-and-the-cowboy/#respond

We all should do this! 😂

Perfect Timing 😏

“Biden GOES DOWN! Crippled Commander FAILS Boarding Air Force One… Again!”

“Walter & Jeff Visit Ireland: Jeff Dunham”

Oops 😬

“Peanut and Achmed in Abu Dhabi: Jeff Dunham”

Sunday funnies

bluebird of bitterness

An oldie but goodie.

❧ ❧ ❧ ❧ ❧

After Fr. Gregory’s beloved old tabby died, he adopted a kitten from the animal shelter and named her Frances. While chasing a squirrel one day, Frances ran up a tree, and then refused to come back down.

The tree wasn’t sturdy enough for a grown man to climb, and Fr. Greg didn’t have a ladder. After thinking it over, he had an idea. He took a piece of clothesline and tied one end to the tree and the other end to his car, thinking he would drive just far enough to bend the tree down to where he could reach Frances from the ground.

But just about the time the tree was bent far enough, the clothesline snapped, the tree sprang back, and Frances sailed up into the air and out of sight.

Fr. Greg searched everywhere for his kitten, without success. Finally he…

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“Some of The Best of “All Over the Map” | JEFF DUNHAM” LIVE 6pm EST

Senior moments

“Chris Wallace Interviews Psaki who is STILL OUT OF REALITY🥴🙄😳🤪”

“Is THIS Jen Psaki’s Replacement? | Monologue | Huckabee”

Senile Old Man Spotted With A Gun Spouting Wild Demands On White House Grounds

babylonbee.com

WASHINGTON, D.C—The White House grounds have entered a lockdown following the sighting of a senile old man wandering around waving a gun and making outlandish demands. 

“Look folks, no more automatic weapons! You hear me, I’m serious! And no more gramblegrawp!” said the old, confused man while pointing his gun at everyone. “I traveled 1700 miles, million miles, so c’mon and listen up! Ghost guns are banned. No Congress needed.”

Witnesses claim that while the man appeared to be well-dressed, he had no clue who or where he was. “He kept asking ‘where’s First Lady Kamala’ and asking why’s nobody taking him seriously,” said Peter Flanagan, a White House correspondent. “He made bizarre claims that he was the President of The United States, 81 million people voted for him, and his butt’s been wiped.”

The White House was forced to release a statement instructing individuals not to approach the out-of-touch and armed individual. They also recommended just letting the man continue to make his speech as if he were actually addressing the nation and his words actually had legal authority. 

At publishing time, a tactical team was forced to intervene after he made statements calling for “tobacco farmers to be immune for being sued for prostitutes.”  The confused old man was reported to be safely apprehended and enjoying an ice cream cone on the way back to his nursing home. 


Having difficulty staying afloat in today’s rapidly changing economic landscape? Duke Geralt LéMaster provides some insightful tips to help you cope in these trying times.

https://babylonbee.com/news/senile-old-man-spotted-with-a-gun-spouting-wild-demands-on-white-house-grounds

Pigeon Poops On Biden After Mistaking Him For An Old Statue

babylonbee.com

MENLO, IA—A local pigeon made a terrible mistake by pooping on the President of the United States today, after mistaking him for an old statue.

“I’m sorry, I meant no disrespect,” said Mr. Flappy, the pigeon responsible for the error. “I was just in the air doing my pigeon thing when I saw this old, rickety, ancient-looking statue just standing there, with a blank, statue-like expression on his face. It looked like a perfect target!” 

Several witnesses in the crowd reportedly stifled laughter as the pigeon flew overhead and dropped a massive load of nasty white bird droppings on the President’s shoulder. 

Biden didn’t notice the bird poop until a few minutes later when he looked over to the teleprompter to receive his next line and noticed the white substance on his suit jacket. “Ooohhh! Chocolate chocolate chip ice cream! My favorite!” he said excitedly before Dr. Jill Biden rushed him off the stage. 

At time of publishing, the Biden Administration conducted a retaliatory drone strike on Mr. Flappy’s nest. 

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!


Having difficulty staying afloat in today’s rapidly changing economic landscape? Duke Geralt LéMaster provides some insightful tips to help you cope in these trying times.

https://babylonbee.com/news/pigeon-poops-on-biden-after-mistaking-him-for-an-old-statue

Zookeepers Scramble To Vaccinate All Lizards After Hearing Pelosi Got COVID

babylonbee.com

TUCSON, AZ—Zookeepers across the nation are reportedly scrambling to vaccinate all reptiles in captivity following the announcement that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has tested positive for COVID-19.

“COVID has officially jumped species,” warned a representative from the American Organization of Zookeepers. “We’ve seen it jump to apes and household pets but now that reptiles are affected we have to work quickly.”

This is not the first time a politician has been infected with the Coronavirus, but Pelosi is in a unique position as a confirmed reptilian overlord. The secret race of humanoids that disguise themselves to live among us and control our lives was previously thought to be invulnerable, but conspiracy theorists speculate Pelosi’s addiction to alcohol and ice cream contributed to the infection.

“Reptilian humanoids are ancient creatures from an unnamed space quadrant the government doesn’t want you to know about,” said George Noory, host of the radio program Coast to Coast AM. “COVID might turn out to be a great thing if it wipes them off the face of the flat earth and allows us to see beyond the veil to all the UFOs and ghosts the government is hiding.”

According to sources, zookeepers are separating reptilian species from each other and applying tiny little masks to their faces until they can receive a second dose of the vaccine. The Pfizer vaccine is not currently approved for reptiles (or any animals,) but given the support for human inoculation regardless of scientific data, zoologists figure injecting thousands of lizards won’t hurt.

At publishing time, veterinarian hospitals were overrun with mildly coughing lizards on ventilators.


Having difficulty staying afloat in today’s rapidly changing economic landscape? Duke Geralt LéMaster provides some insightful tips to help you cope in these trying times.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

https://babylonbee.com/news/zookeepers-scramble-to-vaccinate-all-lizards-after-hearing-pelosi-got-covid