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Exercising with a friend makes it more entertaining…

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Caturday funnies

New Year’s Day classic: Great moments in marriage

bluebird of bitterness

Herb had too much to drink at the office New Year’s party, and when he woke up the next morning his head felt ready to explode. He could recall almost nothing of the previous night, and he dreaded the thought of facing his wife, who he suspected would have a few choice words for him.

But when he opened his eyes, he saw that there were two extra-strength aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table, along with a note in his wife’s handwriting. It read: 

Dearest Herb, 

Your breakfast is on the stove. Brooke said she would do the dishes and clean up the kitchen, so you can just relax and take it easy. I’ve gone out to buy groceries so I can make your favorite supper tonight. 

Your loving wife, 

Alice

p.s. I’m going to stop at the smoke shop on the way home and pick up a box of your favorite cigars. I love you, darling!

Puzzled…

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Caturday funnies

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Holiday Shopping Can Be Dangerous To Your Health

Whoopi Goldberg defends “Rudolph” Special Accused Of Bullying | The View

 

🕸️ Happy 🎃 Halloween 🕸️

A grand day out

bluebird of bitterness

A truck carrying 24 penguins bound for the city zoo broke down on the highway. The trucker knew it would take some time to repair, so he flagged down a van and offered the driver fifty dollars if he would take the penguins to the zoo. The driver agreed, so all the penguins got out of the truck and piled into the van.

When his truck was finally repaired, the trucker went to the zoo to make sure that the penguins had arrived safely. But when he got to the zoo, the penguins weren’t there. He jumped back into his truck and drove around town, searching for them. He finally spotted the driver and all 24 penguins walking along a busy downtown street.

“You were supposed to take those penguins to the zoo,” said the trucker.

“I did,” said the driver. “But there was still some money left over, so I’m taking them to a…

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Hilarious Video Shows Woman Calling Cops On Whales

seavoicenews.com
By Alex Larson
2 minutes

While boating off Washington State’s Puget Sound, a families boat ride quickly turned to chaos when a couple of humpback whales appear along side the boat resulting in a woman calling 911. The video was originally posted to Facebook http://seavoicenews.com/2018/10/15/hilarious-video-shows-woman-calling-cops-on-whales/

by Darren Lucianna whom can be heard through the video trying to calm the others down and explain to them how rare of a sight this was.

Continuously through the video, panicked passengers beg for the engine to start on the boat to get away from the magnificent creatures while Mr. Lucianna is heard trying to calm down the passengers.

“Relax. He’s checking us out. They’re not going to hurt you, just relax,” he says, “They’re very intelligent… Look at this you guys, you’ll never see this again.”

Eventually, the other passengers reached the point where they believed 911 was their best option.

To the woman’s credit, she is heard telling the police the location of the boat due to her fear the whale may flip it. Whales are known to be extremely curious creatures who are highly intelligent so most likely, the pod just wanted a closer look at the humans and their noise pollution causing boat.

http://seavoicenews.com/2018/10/15/hilarious-video-shows-woman-calling-cops-on-whales/

😂 “DEALING WITH AN IMPATIENT PHONE SCAMMER” 😂

Kleptomaniac Cat Won’t Stop Stealing Vancouver Neighbors’ Stuff

thedodo.com
Kleptomaniac Cat Won’t Stop Stealing Vancouver Neighbors’ Stuff
Stephen Messenger
8-10 minutes

This is Bella — a long-haired tabby cat with a very sweet and affectionate spirit. For the past 10 years, Bella has been a delightful companion to her owner, Shawn Bell, simply by being her loving self.

Not long ago, however, she began to reveal one not-so-positive aspect of her feline personality.
Shawn R. Bell

Turns out, Bella’s a thief.
Shawn R. Bell

Bella’s foray into a life of crime seemed to have begun spontaneously last summer. One day, much to Bell’s surprise, he noticed his cat arriving to their home in Vancouver, Canada, carrying a sock. The next day, she brought home another. The day after that, yet more socks.

On the fourth day, Bella came in carrying a child’s drawing, apparently just to mix things up a bit.

Here’s a photo of the cat’s first haul:

Shawn R. Bell

Where those items had come from was anyone’s guess, though Bell was sure of one thing: They weren’t his. Bella had presumably stolen them while out on her evening prowls. And she didn’t stop there.

That summer, Bell filled half a garbage bag with purloined clothes. But in recent months, Bella’s thieving ways have only increased.
Shawn R. Bell

“She used to just come home with one piece of clothing per night,” Bell told The Dodo. “Now she is coming home with two or three a night — or more.”

And all those stolen clothes have been really piling up.

Shawn R. Bell

Bell has posted signs around his apartment building in hopes of reuniting the garments with their rightful owners, but to no avail.

He’s been piling them up on a chair outside his place, just in case someone recognizes their stuff.
Shawn R. Bell

The whole thing has Bell feeling sorta guilty — and a little uncomfortable.

“It sucks to have to keep buying clothes if they keep going missing,” he said. “Then there is the issue of the undergarments and her starting to make me look a bit weird.”

That’s right. Bella’s been stealing people’s unmentionables, too.

Shawn R. Bell

Bell hopes that, as word spreads about his cat’s ill-gotten gains, the person or persons Bella has been stealing from will come forward to reclaim their laundry.

The cat, meanwhile, has yet to see the error in her saddling her owner with stolen goods.

“I think she’s proud of herself,” Bell said. “But she’s not picking the right size or the right gender for me.”

Still, Bell admits he adores Bella regardless.
Shawn R. Bell

“She’s my girl no matter how bad her behavior is,” Bell said. “I guess she has my unconditional love, even though she’s a kleptomaniac.”

https://www.thedodo.com/close-to-home/canadian-cat-thief-wont-stop-stealing-laundry

Hilarious! @weatherchannel reporter fakes intensity of #HurricaneFlorence wind – gets caught | Watts Up With That?

LOL… You need to go over and watch the videos, and check-out the videos in the comment section!

https://wattsupwiththat.com/2018/09/14/hilarious-weatherchannel-reporter-fakes-intensity-of-hurricaneflorence-wind-gets-caught/#comments

Rude clerk tells old woman she did not care about the environment, her response is golden!

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment. The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

The older lady said that she was right — our generation didn’t have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books.

This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts.

Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a r azor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the”green thing.”

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off… Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

Source:
This has been circulating online for a few years now. We can’t find who wrote it, but bless his/her heart because this is connecting with lot of people — both young and old. If you do know who wrote it and there is strong evidence, please let us know so we can give him or her proper credit.

https://positiveoutlooksblog.com/2018/09/10/rude-clerk-tells-old-woman-she-did-not-care-about-the-environment-her-response-is-golden/

Goats Break Free, Terrorize Suburbia – FIREPAW, Inc.

firepaw.org
Goats Break Free, Terrorize Suburbia – FIREPAW, Inc.
Published by firepawinc View all posts by firepawinc

Horrifying. And really, really baaaaa-aaad. Imagine neighbors in West Boise waking up to dozens and dozens of goats breakfasting on lawns, rose bushes, shrubs, trees.

“They’re just going yard to yard eating everyone’s front lawn.”

Gasp!

It turns out the goats belong to a company called We Rent Goats, which specializes “in renting herds of goats to remove noxious weeds from fields, acreage, pastures, open spaces, ditches, ravines, embankments … you name it and the goats can clear it.”

The goats were on the clock, eating weeds in a drainage ditch when they broke free and, naturally, went on to sample the suburban flora. Their feast/free lawn care services lasted about an hour and a half until the bosses of We Rent Goats arrived in the neighborhood to round up their rogue employees.

https://firepaw.org/2018/08/03/goats-break-free-terrorize-suburbia/

Source: The entire frickin’ Internet. (and these guys)

Brilliant Dog Dragged His Favorite Sprinkler Inside to Cool Down From Texas Heat! (PHOTOS)

onegreenplanet.org

Kelly Wang
Dogs are beautiful. Clever, funny, always there to cheer us up when we’ve had a bad day. It doesn’t matter how horrible a mood we are in, seeing a dog will always give us a lift.

This is even true when they get into mischief, as Cara Wohr from Dallas can attest! Wohr received one of the best possible gifts on her 60th birthday, a beautiful Border Collie who she named Baloo. Border Collies are energetic dogs who need a lot to keep them occupied. Five-month-old Baloo is no different, and Wohr thought she’d lucked out when Baloo became fascinated with their garden sprinkler.

Baloo spends hours each day playing with the sprinkler, snapping at the water and jumping in between the sprinkler’s jets, generally having a great time. But in this recent heatwave we have all been suffering in, Baloo had a dilemma. Keep playing with his favorite toy, or take shelter from the sun inside.
Baloo is an innovative little pup! And unbeknownst to Wohr, he managed to drag the (still-spraying) garden sprinkler into the living room of the house!

Temperatures in Texas have reached around 107 degrees, so we understand the need to cool down. Wohr found Baloo happily still jumping through his favorite jets of water as her TV, ceiling, chairs, and lamp were treated to an impromptu wash!
Image may contain: outdoor

Luckily for Wohr and Baloo, there was only minimal damage to the living room, and because of the heat, it took only a few hours for their home to be dried out again. But we think Wohr has learned a valuable lesson about this cheeky pup. Strange clanking noises outside the home are not to be ignored — at least when Baloo and his garden sprinkler are around!

Hot weather is unbearable for us at times when there is no relief, so imagine what it must be like for animals with thick fur coats! We already know how important it is to keep our dogs out of cars in hot weather, but it’s also important to keep them hydrated and give them access to shelter where they can cool down in our homes as well. Maybe all dogs don’t enjoy sprinkler systems half as much as Baloo, but a little hose down in the garden from time to time surely couldn’t hurt! Keep an eye out for your pets in this hot weather. In the case of dogs like Baloo, you aren’t just looking out for your pet, but possibly saving your furniture as well!

http://www.onegreenplanet.org/news/dog-dragged-sprinkler-inside-cool-texas-heat/?utm_source=Green+Monster+Mailing+List&utm_campaign=dc0847529a-NEWSLETTER_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_bbf62ddf34-dc0847529a-106049477

Image Source: Cara Wohr/Facebook

A brown bear who waves at people

An atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals,” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river,…

An atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals,” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him! He ran up the path as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer. In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, “Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

Friday Funny: Dog carries stick

Dogs…. proof God has a sense of humor…LOL

Sunday funnies

bluebird of bitterness

Two baseball lovers, George and Fred, had been friends all their lives. As children they’d played in Little League together, as teenagers they’d been on their high school team, as grown men they’d played in their church league, and as retirees they spent their summers watching baseball games together on TV or at the park.

When both men were very old, Fred began to feel his life slipping away from him. One day George asked Fred a favor.

“Sure, old pal,” said Fred.

“Fred,” said George, “when you get to heaven, you have to let me know if they have baseball there.”

“George, I promise you, if there’s any way I can do what you’re asking, I will.”

Fred died soon afterward. After the funeral, George went home and sat down in an armchair, and soon he fell asleep. He was awakened by a blinding light, and heard a voice calling his name.

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“Spring Season – Simon’s Cat

Sunday funnies

bluebird of bitterness

A Scotsman who was planning a trip to the Holy Land was aghast when he learned that it would cost sixty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

“In Scotland it wouldn’t have been more than twenty,” said the Scotsman.

“Yes,” said the travel agent, “but remember, the Sea of Galilee is water on which Jesus himself walked.”

The Scotsman said, “Well, at sixty dollars an hour for a boat, it’s no wonder he walked.”

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Sunday snicker

This is a knock-knock joke for adults…😊

Just Cruisin 2

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20 ” and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation “Genesis 3:10”.

Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”

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The Internet Had a Field Day With Obama’s Official Portrait «TwistedSifter

Feb 20, 2018
The Internet Had a Field Day With Obama’s Official Portrait

Last week, former US President Barack Obama unveiled his official portrait for the National Portrait Gallery’s ‘America’s Presidents‘ collection.

Beginning with President George H. W. Bush, the National Portrait Gallery initiated a process by which the museum would commission a portrait of each president, and beginning with First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, this process expanded to include a commissioned portrait of the first spouse. All are privately funded and are owned by the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery.

For his official portrait, the 44th President of the United States selected artist Kehinde Wiley whose painting of the President measures just over 7 feet tall.

portrait of president barack obama by kehinde wiley The Internet Had a Field Day With Obamas Official Portrait

As per the Washington Post:

Wiley has included flowers in the background (another nod to historical portraiture) to reference elements of the president’s personal history, including jasmine for Hawaii, African blue lilies for his father’s Kenyan heritage, and chrysanthemums, which are the official flower of Chicago…

A swelling vein on the left side of the president’s face, and the intensity of his gaze, suggest the “doesn’t suffer fools gladly” impatience that occasionally flashed from him.

Unsurprisingly, reaction to the painting online has been mixed. Equally unsurprising, are the comedic responses to the painting. If one thing’s for certain, the Internet is always ready with the retorts, Photoshops and memes in response to anything newsworthy. And with that, here are some of the funniest responses making rounds online.

sorry pic.twitter.com/ApQYOf5XF7

— Shoshana Weissmann, Sloth Committee Chair (@senatorshoshana) February 12, 2018

This may or may not have been the inspiration for @BarackObama’s official portrait: https://t.co/d9yJTYImm7—
Frank Thorp V (@frankthorp) February 12, 2018

nice of him to honor his predecessors, the bushes https://t.co/A9XJOrDXCG

— Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) February 12, 2018

This portrait immortalizes my two favorite things about President Obama. He placed furniture wherever. And zero a… twitter.com/i/web/status/9…—
Anthony Jeselnik (@anthonyjeselnik) February 12, 2018

Wow quite a presidential portrait Obama pic.twitter.com/GlvljHSBVR

— Chicago Reader (@Chicago_Reader) February 12, 2018

Edgy and graceful at the same time.

Perfect choice by President Obama. pic.twitter.com/IBTKYo4f8x

— Cabot Phillips (@cabot_phillips) February 12, 2018

Outfielders are going to have trouble with the new obstacle at Wrigley Field this season. pic.twitter.com/EEjRu8HOsb

— Dan McQuade (@dhm) February 12, 2018

wait no sean wat are you doing pic.twitter.com/bLABp3wq4E

— delrayser (@delrayser) February 12, 2018

Is anyone else getting a Beyoncé vibe off Obama’s portrait? pic.twitter.com/FkcNVIVtte

— Surlymom (@Surly_Mom) February 12, 2018

It looks like they painted Obama outside the White House behind the Oval Office #ObamaPortraits https://t.co/jFN1M96xnP—
AJ (@ajfyi) February 12, 2018

#KehindeWiley ‘s #Obama painting when fashion week hits pic.twitter.com/2oSrIwqWTF

— Camilo Caffi (@caffi07) February 12, 2018

Loving this Obama portrait pic.twitter.com/zaGmqYAchQ

— Eric Schmidt (@TalkingSchmidt) February 12, 2018

pic.twitter.com/ixQI8MMkYe

— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) February 12, 2018

Subtle. pic.twitter.com/TyxKsVUZc3

— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) February 12, 2018

via unknown_human on reddit

obama portrait memes 5 The Internet Had a Field Day With Obamas Official Portrait
via belokas on reddit

obama portrait memes 1 The Internet Had a Field Day With Obamas Official Portrait
via Kelly_Kapowsky on reddit

https://giphy.com/gifs/3nhx5J5feb1JWNiIzv?utm_source=iframe&utm_medium=embed&utm_campaign=Embeds&utm_term=https%3A%2F%2Ffeedly.com%2Fbeta%2Fcategory%2FPhotography

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It’s a Jungle Out There

Now this is a zoo that I wouldn’t mind visiting….😂

bluebird of bitterness

Sid was a petty criminal who’d had many run-ins with the law. He needed a job, but because of his record, no one wanted to hire him. Then a pal tipped him off that the local zoo was hiring, and that they had a good record of hiring people in Sid’s situation, so he went to check it out.

The zookeeper told Sid that he needed someone to impersonate a gorilla. “Our gorilla was our main attraction,” the zookeeper said. “But it died a few days ago, and it will be months before we can get another one. All you’d have to do is wear this gorilla suit and eat bananas and keep the visitors entertained.”

The job sounded easy, and the pay wasn’t bad, so Sid agreed. He put on the costume and did his best to act like a gorilla, beating his chest and climbing trees and swinging…

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🎁  TIS THE SEASON FOR SNOWFLAKES 🎁

Advice for married men

If you’re a woman….  I recommend you take time to read this…..It may save you some jail time!

bluebird of bitterness

by guest columnist Herb Hickenlooper

It’s important for men to remember that as women age, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same standards of housekeeping as when they were younger. But when you notice this happening with your wife, try not to yell at her. Some women are oversensitive, and God knows there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me tell you how I handled this situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired about a year ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job to bring in some extra income and for the medical insurance her employer provides. Shortly after she started working, I noticed her age was beginning to show. Here’s an example: I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work, and even though she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour before…

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Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Archives – One Liners Part Five and some snippets.

10300280_611230292326689_8090324552125960362_n

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

I am sharing this post from July 2016… I know that some of you commented at the time but hope time has dulled your memory as much as mine!  I have also included some funnies from Facebook that I have pinched over the last few weeks.

Time for part five of the one-liners..I am hoping that I am not repeating any but the odd one might slip through and be noted by the more eagle-eyed of you..  enjoy.

1. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
2. He who hesitates is boss.
3. As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never
4. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
5. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
6…

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THURSDAY GIGGLES 

I remember the first time  I vacuum and our husky puppy was hiding her kibble and treats under the cushion  😵 I  thought they were bugs…LOL

Phoenix Rainez

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Caturday funnies