Sunday funnies

bluebird of bitterness

A Scotsman who was planning a trip to the Holy Land was aghast when he learned that it would cost sixty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

“In Scotland it wouldn’t have been more than twenty,” said the Scotsman.

“Yes,” said the travel agent, “but remember, the Sea of Galilee is water on which Jesus himself walked.”

The Scotsman said, “Well, at sixty dollars an hour for a boat, it’s no wonder he walked.”

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Sunday snicker

This is a knock-knock joke for adults…😊

Just Cruisin 2

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20 ” and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation “Genesis 3:10”.

Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”

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The Internet Had a Field Day With Obama’s Official Portrait «TwistedSifter

Feb 20, 2018
The Internet Had a Field Day With Obama’s Official Portrait

Last week, former US President Barack Obama unveiled his official portrait for the National Portrait Gallery’s ‘America’s Presidents‘ collection.

Beginning with President George H. W. Bush, the National Portrait Gallery initiated a process by which the museum would commission a portrait of each president, and beginning with First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, this process expanded to include a commissioned portrait of the first spouse. All are privately funded and are owned by the Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery.

For his official portrait, the 44th President of the United States selected artist Kehinde Wiley whose painting of the President measures just over 7 feet tall.

portrait of president barack obama by kehinde wiley The Internet Had a Field Day With Obamas Official Portrait

As per the Washington Post:

Wiley has included flowers in the background (another nod to historical portraiture) to reference elements of the president’s personal history, including jasmine for Hawaii, African blue lilies for his father’s Kenyan heritage, and chrysanthemums, which are the official flower of Chicago…

A swelling vein on the left side of the president’s face, and the intensity of his gaze, suggest the “doesn’t suffer fools gladly” impatience that occasionally flashed from him.

Unsurprisingly, reaction to the painting online has been mixed. Equally unsurprising, are the comedic responses to the painting. If one thing’s for certain, the Internet is always ready with the retorts, Photoshops and memes in response to anything newsworthy. And with that, here are some of the funniest responses making rounds online.


— Shoshana Weissmann, Sloth Committee Chair (@senatorshoshana) February 12, 2018

This may or may not have been the inspiration for @BarackObama’s official portrait:—
Frank Thorp V (@frankthorp) February 12, 2018

nice of him to honor his predecessors, the bushes

— Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) February 12, 2018

This portrait immortalizes my two favorite things about President Obama. He placed furniture wherever. And zero a……—
Anthony Jeselnik (@anthonyjeselnik) February 12, 2018

Wow quite a presidential portrait Obama

— Chicago Reader (@Chicago_Reader) February 12, 2018

Edgy and graceful at the same time.

Perfect choice by President Obama.

— Cabot Phillips (@cabot_phillips) February 12, 2018

Outfielders are going to have trouble with the new obstacle at Wrigley Field this season.

— Dan McQuade (@dhm) February 12, 2018

wait no sean wat are you doing

— delrayser (@delrayser) February 12, 2018

Is anyone else getting a Beyoncé vibe off Obama’s portrait?

— Surlymom (@Surly_Mom) February 12, 2018

It looks like they painted Obama outside the White House behind the Oval Office #ObamaPortraits—
AJ (@ajfyi) February 12, 2018

#KehindeWiley ‘s #Obama painting when fashion week hits

— Camilo Caffi (@caffi07) February 12, 2018

Loving this Obama portrait

— Eric Schmidt (@TalkingSchmidt) February 12, 2018

— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) February 12, 2018


— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) February 12, 2018

via unknown_human on reddit

obama portrait memes 5 The Internet Had a Field Day With Obamas Official Portrait
via belokas on reddit

obama portrait memes 1 The Internet Had a Field Day With Obamas Official Portrait
via Kelly_Kapowsky on reddit

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The Sifter

It’s a Jungle Out There

Now this is a zoo that I wouldn’t mind visiting….😂

bluebird of bitterness

Sid was a petty criminal who’d had many run-ins with the law. He needed a job, but because of his record, no one wanted to hire him. Then a pal tipped him off that the local zoo was hiring, and that they had a good record of hiring people in Sid’s situation, so he went to check it out.

The zookeeper told Sid that he needed someone to impersonate a gorilla. “Our gorilla was our main attraction,” the zookeeper said. “But it died a few days ago, and it will be months before we can get another one. All you’d have to do is wear this gorilla suit and eat bananas and keep the visitors entertained.”

The job sounded easy, and the pay wasn’t bad, so Sid agreed. He put on the costume and did his best to act like a gorilla, beating his chest and climbing trees and swinging…

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Advice for married men

If you’re a woman….  I recommend you take time to read this…..It may save you some jail time!

bluebird of bitterness

by guest columnist Herb Hickenlooper

It’s important for men to remember that as women age, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same standards of housekeeping as when they were younger. But when you notice this happening with your wife, try not to yell at her. Some women are oversensitive, and God knows there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me tell you how I handled this situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired about a year ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job to bring in some extra income and for the medical insurance her employer provides. Shortly after she started working, I noticed her age was beginning to show. Here’s an example: I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work, and even though she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour before…

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Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Archives – One Liners Part Five and some snippets.


Smorgasbord - Variety is the spice of life

I am sharing this post from July 2016… I know that some of you commented at the time but hope time has dulled your memory as much as mine!  I have also included some funnies from Facebook that I have pinched over the last few weeks.

Time for part five of the one-liners..I am hoping that I am not repeating any but the odd one might slip through and be noted by the more eagle-eyed of you..  enjoy.

1. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
2. He who hesitates is boss.
3. As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never
4. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
5. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

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I remember the first time  I vacuum and our husky puppy was hiding her kibble and treats under the cushion  😵 I  thought they were bugs…LOL

Phoenix Rainez

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Caturday funnies


Cash only, will not accept credit cards or checks!
Thank you for your cooperation.
“Have A Nice Day”

Phoenix Rainez

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Seriously, dude…. is there a name for what’s wrong with you?

Humor with a Twist….

Boy do I know about freedom in the red white blue 🚓 I received 3 speeding tickets in one month, it was 1992 to be exact. When the officer came back up to my car for me to sign, he said… And I quote… You know Nancy you’re one point away from losing your license and your freedom to drive, don’t you think it’s time you start paying attention to the speed limit? I said………Yes sir and  went bought a radar detector…. I haven’t had a speeding ticket since. 😇

Boundless Blessings by Kamal


-I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you at the back of cars.

-The last thing I want to do is hurt you in a most horrible way, but it is still on my bucket list. I will surely have my way.

-My mind isn’t twisted and perverted, its strategically bent and curved in a precarious way in several places.

-Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak and cause fools of themselves.

-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit- salad and spoiling its awesome taste.

-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

-I’m great at multi-tasking, I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.

-Women will never be equal to men…

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Hilarious (But Real) Exchanges Between Pilots, Flight Attendants, And Passengers.

If you’re traveling this Easter weekend… I hope it goes smooth…  with no delays

A-hunting we will go

Weekend Humor – Is Donald Trump Your President?

peoples trust toronto

Simple clarification flowchart for snowflakes, swamp-rates, and sanctuary-dwellers…

Source: The Burning Platform

via Read More Here..

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PIERS MORGAN: The award for the worst election loser goes to every millionaire celebrity | Daily Mail Online

Celebrities will do anything to be the center of attention! Need a good laugh read this.😅

Arkansas man’s ‘poop-tastrophe’ Facebook post goes viral | WPMT FOX43


LITTLE ROCK, Ar.– An Arkansas man’s Facebook post has gone viral, being shared over 300,000 times. His story, one of the smelly variety, is one that many have enjoyed and been able to relate to. In fact, he even created a graph to help create a visual for you to connect to the story.

Here is Jesse Newton’s post, with the full text being found below:

Newton’s full post:

So, last week, something pretty tragic happened in our household. It’s taken me until now to wrap my head around it and find the words to describe the horror. It started off simple enough – something that’s probably happened to most of you.

Sometime between midnight and 1:30am, our puppy Evie pooped on our rug in the living room. This is the only time she’s done this, so it’s probably just because we forgot to let her out before we went to bed that night. Now, if you have a detective’s mind, you may be wondering how we know the poop occurred between midnight and 1:30am. We were asleep, so how do I know that time frame?

Why, friends, that’s because our Roomba runs at 1:30am every night, while we sleep. And it found the poop. And so begins the Pooptastrophe. The poohpocalypse. The pooppening.

If you have a Roomba, please rid yourself of all distractions and absorb everything I’m about to tell you.

Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop. If the unthinkable does happen, and your Roomba runs over dog poop, stop it immediately and do not let it continue the cleaning cycle. Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting.

It will be on your floorboards. It will be on your furniture legs. It will be on your carpets. It will be on your rugs. It will be on your kids’ toy boxes. If it’s near the floor, it will have poop on it. Those awesome wheels, which have a checkered surface for better traction, left 25-foot poop trails all over the house. Our lovable Roomba, who gets a careful cleaning every night, looked like it had been mudding. Yes, mudding – like what you do with a Jeep on a pipeline road. But in poop.

tmp_4317-13975473_776220970364_4589684107022964508_o-1098332077Then, when your four-year-old gets up at 3am to crawl into your bed, you’ll wonder why he smells like dog poop. And you’ll walk into the living room. And you’ll wonder why the floor feels slightly gritty. And you’ll see a brown-encrusted, vaguely Roomba-shaped thing sitting in the middle of the floor with a glowing green light, like everything’s okay. Like it’s proud of itself. You were still half-asleep until this point, but now you wake up pretty damn quickly.

And then the horror. Oh the horror.

So, first you clean the child. You scrub the poop off his feet and put him back in bed. But you don’t bother cleaning your own feet, because you know what’s coming. It’s inevitable, and it’s coming at you like a freight train. Some folks would shrug their shoulders and get back in bed to deal with it in the morning. But you’re not one of those people – you can’t go to sleep with that war zone of poop in the living room.

So you clean the Roomba. You toss it in the bathtub to let it soak. You pull it apart, piece-by-piece, wondering at what point you became an adult and assumed responsibility for 3:30am-Roomba-disassembly-poop-cleanups. By this point, the poop isn’t just on your hands – it’s smeared up to your elbows. You already heard the Roomba make that “whirlllllllllllllllll-boop-hisssssssss” noise that sounds like electronics dying, and you realize you forgot to pull the battery before getting it wet. More on that later.

Oh, and you’re not just using profanity – you’re inventing new types of profanity. You’re saying things that would make Satan shudder in revulsion. You hope your kid stayed in bed, because if he hears you talking like this, there’s no way he’s not ending up in prison.

Then you get out the carpet shampooer. When you push it up to the rug – the rug that started it all – the shampooer just laughs at you. Because that rug is going in the trash, folks. But you shampoo it anyway, because your wife loved that damn rug, and you know she’ll ask if you tried to clean it first.

Then you get out the paper towel rolls, idly wondering if you should invest in paper towel stock, and you blow through three or four rolls wiping up poop. Then you get the spray bottle with bleach water and hose down the floor boards to let them soak, because the poop has already dried. Then out comes the steam mop, and you take care of those 25-ft poop trails.

And then, because it’s 6am, you go to bed. Let’s finish this tomorrow, right?

The next day, you finish taking the Roomba apart, scraping out all the tiny flecks of poop, and after watching a few Youtube instructional videos, you remove the motherboard to wash it with a toothbrush. Then you bake it in the oven to dry. You put it all back together, and of course it doesn’t work. Because you heard the “whirlllllllllllllll-boop-hissssssss” noise when it died its poopy death in the bathtub. But you hoped that maybe the Roomba gods would have mercy on you.

But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. After spending a week researching how to fix this damn $400 Roomba without spending $400 again – including refurb units, new motherboards, and new batteries – you finally decide to call the place where you bought it. That place called Hammacher Schlemmer. They have a funny name, but they have an awesome warranty. They claim it’s for life, and it’s for any reason.

So I called them and told the truth. My Roomba found dog poop and almost precipitated World War III.

And you know what they did? They offered to replace it. Yes, folks. They are replacing the Roomba that ran over dog poop and then died a poopy, watery death in the bathtub – by no fault of their own, of course.

So, mad props to Hammacher Schlemmer. If you’re buying anything expensive, and they sell it, I recommend buying it from them. And remember – don’t let your Roomba run over dog poop.

HUMOR FOR THE DAY ~ Ascension Avatar: “Doggie Day”


Monkeys exact revenge by attacking man who abuses them

Fellowship of the Minds

“The smallest worm will turn being trodden on, And doves will peck in safeguard of their brood.” -William Shakespeare, Henry VI

Despite China’s capitalist reforms and opening to the West, life for many Chinese is still one of grinding poverty.

One way to survive, instead of panhandling, is to train animals as street performers to entice passersby to toss a few coins as reward.

A shocking cell phone video, believed to have been taken in the city of Anyang in China’s Henan province, shows a man who keeps monkeys as street performers.

The video begins with the man slapping one monkey, who promptly slaps the man back. SMACK!

The man then repeatedly slaps the monkey, who returns the slaps, at one point slapping him so hard, the man falls back.

Then the man takes a knife, sharpens the blade on the ground, feigns to kill the monkey by placing the…

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By Nancy Posted in Humor

TV News Bullshit

If your curse word sensitive,don’t watch…..

Funny and Interesting Stuff People Have Sent Me

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The 89 Year Old Thief

By Nancy Posted in Humor

What song do you believe is ideal for U.S. Election 2016?

What song do you believe is ideal for U.S. Election 2016?Hi everyone I’m reblogging this because I think it would be fun for everyone to come up with some ideas! Please send your comments over to Jim’s blog! He’s been sick and had a hard year and I think he would have fun reading your comments….thanks everyone ☺

Lantern Timeglass Journal

What song do you believe is ideal for U.S. Election 2016?

OK to suggest more than one!

Here’s one of my votes…

Mainly because of the lyrics, I’d apply to candidates (at this time 4/24/2016): “You gotta give the other fellow hell.”

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There’s A Mouse in the House!!

Good Time Stories

micolo-j Flickr Photo Credit: Micolo-j via CC Flickr

This is a re-post of an article that I posted way back when I first began my “Good Time Stories” page. It is one of my favorite little stories. I hope you like it as much as I do!!

There are many people in today’s world that want nothing to do with helping other people. Their thought is, “why should I go out of my way to help them with the problem that they are facing? It has nothing to do with me.” Well, sometimes this decision can come back to affect them. The story today clearly illustrates why, sometimes, we should go out of our way to help others.

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. What food might this contain? The mouse wondered – he was devastated to discover it…

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By Nancy Posted in Humor

Cats Gone Bad

A Well – Planned Retirement

Funny and Interesting Stuff People Have Sent  Me

A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant.  The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7) .

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent .

The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility.

The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.

The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain,or France, or Italy, is a man who’d apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day,commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 perday — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ……and no one knows his name

By Nancy Posted in Humor

Watch “Go Away, Sarah Palin – Tom Chapin” on YouTube


A Tad Distracted, Or Am I?

Mad Mormon...

What a terrible world…images (40)

What a beautiful planet…

What a rotten day…

What a golden moment…

What a disaster…

What a wonderful life…

What’s the use?

What am I doing here and who are all these strange people?

I wish you’d make up my mind, for me.

I can’t decide if I like it or not…

Walk with me and I will show you the sky

Walk with me and I will lead the way

Walk with me.

Walk with me because I hate to be alone….

Paper or plastic…

Have you ever really felt the sun on your face, I mean, felt it poke into each pore, make you eyebrows burn, make your eyelids turn pink and your mouth to turn up at the corners?

Have you everapostate picked a flower and committed murder?

Didn’t the roots look like fingers trying to reach and keep hold to the earth…

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By Nancy Posted in Humor

A Real Dilemma

Funny and Interesting Stuff People Have Sent Me

What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas …Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.” But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business…

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By Nancy Posted in Humor